An Affective Sense of God in Our Lives

The talk on Thursday night and the retreat on Friday with Fr. Ronald Rolheiser were really a wonderful renewal for several of us on staff, as well as numerous parishioners. I wish all the parish could have experienced this gift. There were so many different points brought up during the retreat; I'm just going to post on one or so at a time. Today, I'd like to post about some comments Fr. Rolheiser made on faith.

Fr. Rolheiser brought up that we are often anxious, often dealing with the 'insubstantiality of me.' This anxiety is actually the opposite of faith and it positions itself easily to separate us from our call to be in relationship with God. Our internal voice questions us: "Who am I to be chosen by God, to think I am worthy of being loved by God?"

Fr. Rolheiser cited an excellent example of our deep desire for relationship with God from the Gospel of John. He noted that the first words spoken by Jesus in John's Gospel are "What are you looking for?" (John 1:38; spoken to Andrew and John, son of Zebedee). Father then mentioned the need we all have for an affective sense of God in our lives, one where we relate to God on an emotional and intimate level. This relationship, in fact, is the what we are looking for. At the end of John's Gospel (John 20:11-16), when Jesus appears to Mary but she thinks him to be the gardener, He asks her the same question: "Whom/What are you looking for?" After she expresses her anxiety about the missing body of her Lord, Jesus calls her by name, "Mary!" At this point, Mary recognizes Him and calls Him 'Rabbouni.' Fr. Rolheiser pointed out that this story reflects well our need for intimacy with God, our quest to hear God pronounce our individual name in love, with tenderness and concern.

But how do we achieve an affective sense of God in our lives, one where we hear God intimately call us by name? - through prayer. Fr. Rolheiser gave a beautiful example of a man visiting his elderly mother every day, for 45 minutes, for an entire year in a nursing home. Most days, the conversation may be very ordinary. In fact, out of a year of visiting every day for 45 minutes, there may be only a handful of extraordinary conversations. But, you can be sure that this man's relationship with his mother is different because of those 12 months of visits; something unspoken has happened during those visits.

Fr. Rolheiser made an analogy of this story with our prayer life, saying that sometimes we just have to show up and spend time with God. We should not let anxiety take over and worry about surficial things, but rather try to be present and to know, to have hope, that deep things will happen. And just like the man with his mother, showing up and being open will lead to an 'infused contemplation' where we have a divinely given and loving awareness of the presence of God.

I know that sometimes I attend Mass or another Liturgy with an optimistic head, but a perhaps distracted heart. Or, I sit still in prayer, only to have my mind wander to my 'to do' list or question 'who am I' to think that I am even worthy enough to have a relationship with God. At these times I need to be hopeful that our Lord will be looking for me, waiting for me, woeing me, and that if I can continue to show up, even when I am distracted, deep things will happen below the surface...and that, like Mary, at the least expected moment during the day I will hear Him call me by name - "Hilary!"